


Gone Bones

by blancanieve



Series: Gone Bones [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical Procedures, Missions Gone Wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 08:58:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4870927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blancanieve/pseuds/blancanieve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in order to save Jim's and Spock's lives after an Away Mission goes terribly wrong, Bones disobeys a direct order from his Captain. His actions and Jim's anger results in terrible, painful and unforeseen consequences for both of them. </p><p> </p><p>A/N This story takes place a few months into the five year mission, after Khan and Jim's warp core death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

**Gone Bones**

**"Never trust a survivor, until you find out what he did to stay alive."**

**Chapter 1**

Jim stood outside the glass partition separating him from what was going on in the Med Bay. His stance was rigid, his shoulders stiff, his face impassive. He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, unable to stand still and alternating between feeling a deep burning unholy fury at the man lying on the bio bed, and gut wrenching cold fear as he watched Dr. M'Benga, Nurse Chapel, and the rest of the trauma team try to put Bones back together. He could hear his panicked heart, tripping along, too loudly, too fast. The waiting, the not knowing, was excruciating. The possibility that Bones might die an all too real terror.

Dr. M' Benga had been clear and forthright when he'd come out after his initial examination of McCoy. "Dr. McCoy is dying, Captain. He has severe heart damage, his lungs are compromised, his circulatory system is collapsing, his spleen and liver are hemorrhaging, and his kidneys are failing. We're doing all we can to save him. We've got a great trauma medical team in there, all fighting tooth and nail for him." M'Benga sighed, and went back in to fight for his boss' life.

Jim had stood there stunned, stiff and silent. All he could think was that Bones couldn't die; Bones was his best friend, so Jim wouldn't allow it, it just wasn’t going to happen. God damn it, he was the Captain of this boat and Bones was absolutely forbidden to die. That had been 5 hours ago, and the trauma team was still working. Jim felt rather than heard someone come to stand beside him.

"Captain, perhaps now would be a good time for you to go to your cabin, shower, eat, and change your uniform."

It was Spock; of course it was Spock. Jim looked down at his bloodstained and torn uniform, and then glanced at Spock who was once more clean and pristine in his.

"It should only take a few minutes for you to shower and dress, Captain." Spock continued, his voice soft but insistent.

"I can't leave, Spock. I have to stay here; anything might happen while I'm gone." He looked hard at his XO, his blue eyes steely. "How could you have let him do this, Spock? You know what we agreed; Bones always needs someone to watch him when we go on these missions, he's impulsive and jumps in to help without thinking."

"I was convinced in the same way you were, Jim, by the good doctor's trusty hypo."

"He disobeyed a direct order, Spock. I can't let this one go." Jim's blue eyes were fierce, flashing with anger. "Look where it got him. Dying on a Med Bay table. Hell!"

"I know, Captain, but your concern about regulations may be moot," Spock said, his eyes very grave as he watched the trauma team at work.

Jim drew in a pained breath and looked fiercely at his XO. "Don't say that, Spock, don't even think it. That's not gonna' happen. Bones is going to be all right, and then I'm going to have to reprimand him; that's if I don't kill him first." He paled suddenly, caught in the moment, realizing what he'd just said with Bones lying in there, possibly dying in surgery. He cleared his suddenly constricted throat. "You and I know that disobeying a direct order is not something I can overlook."

Spock was silent, a faint frown marring the usually smooth forehead.

"Stop it, Spock! I can hear you thinking."

"Captain, there is no way... that is not...." The expression on Jim's face stopped him. A faint sigh escaped him. "I confess, Captain, that I am analyzing what transpired on Minara to determine where I made my mistake with the doctor."

Jim's jaw clenched. "Where _we_ made our mistake, Spock. We both made the mistake of underestimating Bones."

They stood silently at the window and Jim thought back to the shit storm of a mission that had brought them to this debacle. It was supposed to have been an uneventful mission, a rescue mission; beaming down to Minara IV to evacuate some scientists studying a star which was about to nova, except that the scientists had disappeared, gone without a trace. Then there had been the radiation storm and Jim had ordered _Enterprise_ to leave orbit. Once the storm had passed, he'd told Scotty, the ship could come back to pick them up. This, he thought grimly, never taking his eyes off the figures working on Bones, this was when things went to hell in a hand basket.

Two aliens, Vians, they called themselves, captured them, and informed them they were going to be tortured as a fucking test for some strange empathic mute girl. They had been weirdly, coldly polite. Jim had protested violently, but it was useless. He had been selected first in spite of McCoy's and Spock's furious protests. When the Vians had brought Jim back from the torture session bleeding and in pain, Gem had healed him by taking his injuries in to herself. Then the Vians had given Jim an ultimatum; pick either McCoy or Spock for the next round of torture. Jim had angrily refused and given his two subordinate officers a direct order; they were not to interfere or intervene in any way and he would go with the Vians again. A furious Bones had sneaked up behind Jim and quickly sedated him, telling Spock that one of them should go in Jim's place. Spock had readily agreed. After all a Vulcan could withstand torture better than any human; but McCoy had other plans, he'd also hypoed Spock and so the Vians took the last man standing as their test subject; Bones. When the Vians returned Bones to a frantic and furious Jim and an equally disturbed Spock, he was near death. Jim had begged Gem to heal him, but she was too frightened and refused to do it. Jim and Spock were desperately trying to help Bones when Scotty and the _Enterprise_ returned. He'd been able to cut through the Vian force field and beamed the three men aboard.

Now McCoy was fighting for his very life. Bones' surgery took six interminable hours. Spock had returned to the bridge, several of the command crew had come and gone, and still there was no news from the surgical trauma team. The only time Jim moved was when a monitor wailed as Bones' heart stopped. It happened two more times; Jim banged desperately on the glass partition needing to know something. No one paid him any attention; their whole focus was on the body beneath their hands. When M'Benga finally came out, his face was pale and drawn, showing lines of deep worry and fatigue.

Jim couldn't breathe. "Well?" His voice was a hoarse whisper, his tone flat, desperate.

"I can't promise you anything, Captain, but at least he's made it through the surgery. That in itself is something of a miracle; thought several times it was all over, he coded three times. There was a lot of damage to his lungs and heart and it was very delicate work to repair those organs. Now we'll just have to wait, but I'm more hopeful than I was. He's young, in great physical shape, stubborn and a fighter, all in his favor. We're going to keep him sedated while the regens do their job. If nothing else happens, no complications, we'll wake him up this time tomorrow." He looked kindly at Jim. "Why don't you go clean up, get some rest and some food. I'll update you every hour."

"I want to see him before I go," Jim said, his voice implacable. It was just this side of a command.

Dr. M'Benga nodded his head, not moved by Jim's tone. "He's deeply unconscious, Captain; it won't do any harm for you to see him."

He led Jim into the private cubicle reserved for the Captain and the medical staff, darkened the privacy window, and left Jim alone. Jim stepped up to the bed and looked down at Bones. It felt strange being on this side of the bio bed. Jim was always the one on the bed, bleeding, injured, or unconscious. Was this gut wrenching worry and anguish what Bones went through every time? No wonder he lost it sometimes, got angry with Jim, bitched and railed at him. Jim drew in a shuddering breath. His best, his dearest friend, lay immobile; tubes and beeping machines attached to all parts of him. He shuddered again; there was something very wrong seeing Bones like that, so still, so quiet. His eyes roamed over the familiar features.

Even unconscious and deathly pale, Bones was beautiful. Jim had always thought Bones was beautiful. He'd thought so even  from the first time he'd met him on the shuttle, scruffy, drunk, and belligerent. He saw that Bones' dark hair still shone in the dim light of the room, the dark, rough stubble just beginning to show still highlighted his strong jaw line, his long thick eyelashes still brushed his cheeks, his lips were still full and faintly pink, his scattering of freckles still stood out endearingly on his nose and cheeks.

Jim blinked, and glanced down at Bones' hands, those legendary hands with rough calluses on them. He ran a gentle finger across the knuckles. "You better get well, you stupid son of a bitch," Jim said softly. "You'd better live because you're going to answer to me for what you did." Jim wondered idly, as he looked down at Bones, what he would do if Bones died. At the thought, his breath hitched and another surge of rage roared through him again. Bones was not allowed to die; he was not even allowed to put himself in danger. Jim had promised Joanna he would take care of her daddy out here in the black, and damn it, he was going to do just that. The red haze of fury receded somewhat, but by God, the day of reckoning was coming for Bones. With one last look at his unconscious friend, Jim left the Med Bay for his quarters ignoring the concerned and curious looks of his crew members. In his cabin, he bathed, put on his sleep pants, dimmed the lights, and crashed on his bed, sleep and oblivion overtaking him.

Twenty four hours later, McCoy surfaced from his drug induced unconsciousness. He tried to take in a deep breath, but his lungs burned like hot coals. He kept his eyes closed, focusing all his energy on trying to take in much needed oxygen; he breathed shallowly, in and out, in and out. Finally, he felt the pain in his chest recede to a dull ache. He cracked open one eye, looked up at the dimmed lights and heard the soft beeping of machines. He felt a sense of triumph when he identified where he was; Med Bay. He was on a bio bed in Med Bay. He opened his other eye and looked around. There was no one around, no Chapel, no M'Benga, and no Jim. What the hell! He brought up one hand to rub at his bleary eyes and the bio monitors began wailing. Shit, he'd moved one of the regens.

Christine Chapel suddenly appeared by his side. "Dr. McCoy! Welcome back! How are you feeling?" She looked at the readouts tracking his vitals and a small smile appeared on her face. McCoy opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a hoarse croak. "Just a minute, Doctor." Chapel brought a small glass of water with a straw and he sipped it thankfully. "Better?"

"Yeah, M' fine." This time his voice sounded more like his own. "Wha...happened?" McCoy closed his eyes again and reached toward a faint memory. Beings, there had been beings doing horrible things to him, things that brought him pain, terrible, burning pain, pain enough to pass out.

"Nothing that you have to worry about right now, you just rest. Dr. M'Benga will be here soon to update you." McCoy nodded and looked around, his memory rushing back. The Vians! They had tortured Jim, and they'd wanted to do it a second time. "Where's Jim? Is he all right? And Spock?" McCoy licked his dry lips, tried to lift his head to look around the Med Bay. The monitors began beeping loudly.

"Shhh. Everyone's fine. The Captain is fine; he's on the bridge, Mr. Spock too. Stop talking and moving, Dr. McCoy, you'll hurt yourself. If you don't stop I will sedate you, is that understood?" Chapel looked fiercely at him; her blue eyes determined.

"Damn it, woman. I'm the doctor here; I know what I'm doing!" His hoarse indignant speech was ruined by a groan pulled out of him as his sore lungs protested the rising tenor of his voice.

Chapel smirked. "See? I told you. You need to calm down."

McCoy huffed an irritated sound. Then M'Benga came into his line of sight. "Thank God! Geoffrey," he rasped. "What the hell. When can I get out of here?"

M"Benga looked at the monitors, sighed and gave McCoy a tired smile. "Settle down, Leonard. You're not leaving here until at least tomorrow. You crashed three times on the table, and we had to shock your heart to restart it. I'm sure your chest is very sore." He nodded at Christine, who started removing the regenerators from different parts of his body. "If you behave, I'll let you leave tomorrow afternoon to recuperate in your quarters. No duty for 48 hours after that, and light duty for another 3 days." He looked knowingly at McCoy. "And if you give me a hard time, I'll bring you back here, is that understood?"

McCoy nodded, grumbling under his breath about power hungry acting CMO's, but he really didn't feel well enough to argue. "Where's Jim? I thought he'd be here when I woke up?"

M'Benga's eyes drifted away from McCoy's for a minute. "Ah…the Captain has been notified that you're awake. He was here all through the surgery and afterward, but said to tell you to report to his quarters after Alpha shift tomorrow and for you to rest. He's very busy with Admiral Barnett about what happened with the Vians, and they're trying to find out what happened to the missing Scientists."

McCoy nodded, but couldn't help the small flash of hurt that Jim had not taken at least a few minutes to come see him. He sighed. At least Jim was fine, the Vians had not gotten their hands on him a second time, or on Spock either. His mind shied away from the consequences of a second torture session on Jim. After Kahn, there was no way McCoy was taking any chances with Jim's life. He just couldn't go through that hell again. He'd barely come out on the other side of that cluster fuck with his sanity intact. Never again. Jim was safe, so mission accomplished. He yawned. God, he was so tired.

M'Benga patted him gently. "Get some rest, Leonard. You'll feel a lot better the next time you wake up. I'll bring your medical report to you at that time."

McCoy barely heard, his eyes closed and sleep overtook him. Twenty four hours later, McCoy was back in his quarters. He sighed happily as he collapsed on his own bed. He had time for a nap before Jim was off shift. He frowned; he still hadn't seen Jim or heard a word from him or Spock. This time his twinge of hurt was stronger. Things must be really busy on the bridge. Oh well, he'd talk to Jim soon enough. McCoy, showered, shaved, and still feeling a little wobbly, presented himself at Jim's door a half hour after Alpha shift. He rang the chime and heard Jim say enter.

Jim stood by his desk, his back straight, hands fisted at his sides. His face was unreadable as he asked, "How are you feeling?" McCoy frowned at the cold un-Jim like tone of voice. "Much better, thanks. Jim... are you alright?"

Jim closed his eyes, raised his hand and McCoy stopped talking, confused.

"Jim? What's the matter?"

"Dr. McCoy, on the planet Minara, under captive conditions did you or did you not disobey a direct order from your Captain?"

"Jim..."

"Just answer the question, Lt. Commander," Jim said coldly. "Did you or did you not?"

McCoy straightened his spine, suppressing a wince as his chest twinged. "Yes, Captain. I did." His voice trembled a bit as he answered.

Jim's blue eyes flashed even colder as he heard it. "Disobeying a direct order from your commanding officer is a court martial offense, Lt. Commander. By all rights I should put you in the brig. As of this minute you are relieved as CMO and you are being moved to gamma shift. You are to report only to the Med Bay, to the mess to eat, and to your quarters. Dr. M'Benga will be acting CMO until I decide otherwise. I don't want to see your face, hear your voice, or catch a glimpse of you in the corridors. Do you understand me, Lt. Commander McCoy?"

McCoy had paled to an alabaster white. "Jim...."

"Do you understand me?" Jim hissed.  McCoy saw that his usually sparkling blue eyes were steel gray, distant and cold as ice.

McCoy swallowed hard. "Yes, Captain. I understand," McCoy answered hoarsely.

Jim toggled his comm. "Kirk to Spock."

"Spock here, Captain."

"Mr. Spock. Effective immediately, Dr. M'Benga will be Acting CMO and you are to change Dr. McCoy's duty roster to gamma shift. He is hereby confined to quarters, to the mess for meals, and to the Med Bay for his medical shift. He is not allowed on any other part of the ship unless there is a medical emergency requiring his attention. Anything pertaining to Dr. McCoy's status will be handled only by you. I don't want to see him, hear him, hear anything about him, or have any interactions or conversations with him or with you about him. Are those orders clear, Mr. Spock?"

There was a pause. "Perfectly clear, Sir. How long will Dr. McCoy's status remain like this?"

"Indefinitely, or until I say otherwise."

Another pause. "Very well, Captain. I will make the arrangements."

Jim turned to McCoy, his jaw clenched. "You are dismissed, Lt. Commander."

McCoy's hazel eyes looked shell shocked. "Jim...,” he whispered. "I...."

"I think you heard me, Lt. Commander. Dismissed."

McCoy lowered his gaze, stared at the floor for a minute, and then straightened his shoulders. "Yes, Sir." He walked to the door, paused for a second, turned back to look intently at Jim as if to memorize his image in his head, and then walked out of Jim's cabin.

Jim lowered himself to his desk chair, noted dispassionately that he was cold and trembling, groaned, and bowed his head in his hands. He felt sick; he gulped and headed to the head where he threw up all the contents of his stomach, continuing to  retch violently even when there was nothing left in him to throw up. He did not sleep well that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew reacts to Jim's decision and Jim's reality undergoes a paradigm shift.

**Gone Bones**

**Chapter 2**

**"We know what we are, but not what we may be."**

**William Shakespeare**

 

It is a well known phenomenon that gossip on a star ship travels at warp speed. By the time Alpha shift came around again the next morning, the command crew was well aware of Dr. McCoy's change of status.

Jim walked into the bridge to total silence. Only Spock greeted him. "Good morning, Captain."

"Mr. Spock, good morning. Is there anything new on the missing scientists?"

"Negative, Captain. It appears they have vanished from the planet. I would say that the Vians are to blame. However, asking them is out of the question. It may be that we will never know what happened to them."

Jim nodded. It was not the first time they would leave a planet with a host of unanswered questions. It would be up to the Admiralty to notify the family members that there were no answers about their disappearance. And that was mostly the end of conversation on the bridge that day. Not one of the Alpha bridge crew was disrespectful, no one was rude. Jim's questions to his crew were answered politely, promptly, and completely. Everyone behaved like the consummate professional they were. Reports were filed on time and all duties were performed quickly and well, but the easy going, relaxed, contented atmosphere on the bridge had disappeared. For the first time since their mission started, Bones didn't come to the bridge with his daily medical report and stay to chat with Jim and the crew. Jim didn't fail to notice how each time the lift door opened, all heads turned in that direction. He could sense the deep disappointment and disapproval of his actions coming off in waves from his command crew. No one looked at him, except for Chekov whose baby face was so mournful it looked as if he might cry at any minute. Only Spock behaved as usual.

Jim knew that in spite of his grumpy manner, Bones was respected, trusted and even loved by the _Enterprise_ crew. They all knew the huge heart that beat under the gruff exterior; that heart that pushed the doctor to give everything that was in him and then some for the sake of the crew. Jim sighed; no matter what, he stood by his decision. Bones had to suffer the consequences of his insubordination, and everyone would just have to live with it. And the fact that Jim and everyone else was missing Bones' daily presence on the bridge was totally besides the point.

He thankfully left the bridge after Alpha shift and went to the mess for dinner. Jim always had breakfast and dinner with Bones and two or three of his command crew would often join them. Tonight he ate alone. He picked at his dinner, finally gave up, and left the mess. He felt all eyes on him as he went out the mess door.

Day after interminable, miserable, day followed; each day following the same bleak pattern, silence on the bridge and eating alone with only Spock, (without Uhura) as an occasional companion. These occasional meals with Spock were mostly a silent affair, Spock wasn't much of a mealtime conversationalist and when he spoke it was always about work. On top of that, Jim missed Bones like a missing limb. Jim felt as if his days and evenings were gray and dull. His days were without warmth, without interest, without color, and there was a monotonous sameness to each interminably long day.

On day 9, as he was going on shift after a solitary breakfast, he thought he spotted the familiar tall figure in blue hurrying down the corridor in front of him. Jim suddenly had to lean against the bulkhead breathing deeply, his heart hammering in his chest, his vision wavering. He almost called out to Bones, but stopped himself, hands clenched tightly at his sides.

On day 10, Jim finally heard Scotty's voice over the comm for the first time since Bones' reprimand. Scotty had been grimly silent since Bones' reassignment. There had not been any fun talk about their beloved ship, or the engines, or getting together for a drink or poker night. Scotty and Bones were good friends, drinking buddies and the CE was a deeply loyal and partisan friend. He reported to Jim that there had been an accident in engineering and there were two injured crewmen that he'd sent to Med Bay, then promptly closed the comm without a further word.

So for the first time since he'd reassigned Bones, Jim took himself to the Med Bay to visit the injured crewmen. He steeled himself as he walked in not to look into Bones' office. Dr. M'Benga came to greet him politely, but there were no welcoming smiles or casual conversation directed his way from anyone else in the Med Bay. The nurses and techs studiously avoided eye contact with him. Jim looked around after a brief one sided chat with the engineers who were respectful, but coolly distant. In spite of his scoldings and gruff manner with them, Dr. McCoy was a favorite with all the engineers, since they constantly went to him for various and sundry engineering mishaps.

"Where is Nurse Chapel, Doctor? I usually see her on shift here."

"Um...." Dr. M'Benga looked uncomfortable. "She asked to be moved to gamma shift, Captain, to help Dr McCoy and I approved it. Gamma shift didn't have a nurse as experienced as Nurse Chapel and Dr McCoy needs the help. Mr. Spock also approved it, Sir," he added anxiously, looking at Jim.

"That's fine, Geoffrey, whatever you and Mr. Spock decide for your department is fine with me." Jim told him, blood rushing hotly to his face. He hurried out of Med Bay and straight to his quarters. He had a lot of reports to finish, a shit load of reports, he told himself. He was on his fourth boring report when his door chimed. It had to be Spock, no one else...his mind stuttered for a second, his heart rate increasing; no one else besides Bones and Spock ever visited.

"Come in," he said a little breathlessly. Uhura stood at the door. Jim concealed his surprise.

"Lieutenant, this is a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you," he smiled his most charming smile. Uhura did not smile back.

"Jim, what are you doing?"

Jim looked at her, puzzled. "Reports. I'm finishing some of my never ending reports." He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"No, Jim. What are you doing to Leonard? I went to see him in his quarters earlier. He's a wreck; he's not handling this thing well at all. He's lost weight, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't talk, all I got were monosyllabic responses, and he's not eating either. He's missing you, Jim, missing you a lot. Christine says all he does is work, even way past shift; she has to push him out the door most days, and she's very worried about him. You're killing him." She looked sternly at Jim. 

"I thought he tried that already; did a damn good job of it too," Jim said sarcastically. "Killing himself, that is." He determinedly pushed down his knot of worry at Uhura's words.

 "Jim," Uhura said, her eyes hard. "You don't understand. He couldn't let you die. It would have killed him. He couldn't go through all that again, you being dead, him trying to bring you back."

"From the almost dead, Uhura. I read the reports. I was almost dead, or as Bones told me, barely dead."

"Jim," she hissed furiously. "You idiot! You were dead! So dead; stone cold dead! Believe me; all of us who were there know just how dead you were, totally dead!"

Jim looked at her, stunned. "That's not what the reports said. I read them all."

"You mean the reports that Spock, Scotty, and I edited and re-edited so that Leonard wouldn't be arrested, court martialed, and sent to prison? Those reports? You have no idea, do you?" She looked at him, pityingly. "You really have no idea of the hell, the absolute hell that Leonard went through. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep, didn't see the light of day while he worked on that serum from Khan's blood. He worked until Spock, Scotty and I thought he would lose his sanity. We tried to help him, but he said that if SFM or the Admiralty found out and he was arrested, he didn't want to take us down with him. It got so bad with the stims that Spock finally had to nerve pinch him so he would sleep." She sighed. "It was horrible, Jim; it was a terrible time. It was such a nightmare for him, that this time he couldn't take a chance that the Vians might torture you to death. Did you know he was in such bad shape after Khan that he had to be on anti-anxiety meds and had to undergo counseling sessions for a while after you were well?"

Jim looked at her shocked, pole axed by what he heard. "No! I didn't know! Why the hell wasn't I told any of this? All I was told was that Khan's blood helped my irradiated cells heal. You all kept this from me, Uhura? Why? And Bones kept his mental health issues from me too? What the hell! Didn't anyone think I had the right to know?"

She looked at him sadly, tiredly. "Leonard didn't want us to tell you. He said you had enough stress trying to recover from what happened. He was worried sick about your coping with PTSD and then your long rehab; we argued with him, but ultimately we did as he asked. Spock approved all the counseling sessions and kept tabs on his recovery. It all went through him as Acting Captain and he didn't share any of those reports with you after you came back."

She pulled two data chips from her pocket. "Here," she handed him one. "This is Spock's actual report of everything that really happened before we "fixed" it to turn in to The Admiralty and Star Fleet Medical. Leonard wanted to tell them the truth when he was subpoenaed for the hearing, but Spock and I convinced him otherwise. We told him he'd be pulled from your care and then who would take over your case? Probably someone incompetent. That's the only thing that convinced him. Spock and I coached him for his debrief with SFM and the Admirals. He skirted the truth, didn't mention Khan's blood at all, said it was a last ditch experimental treatment that needed more research and trials. He didn't actually have to lie." She sighed again. "Thank goodness, because Leonard is a terrible liar."

She gave him the other chip. "This is the video feed of those two weeks starting from your warp core death, all the time you were in stasis and afterward while you were unconscious, up to when you woke up. Spock edited it and "fixed" it too, before he turned it in to the Admiralty. Also," she added, "when you finish with these, destroy them or give them back to Spock. We could all go to prison for what we did to protect Leonard. Spock has the originals triple encrypted and buried so deep they'll never be found. Keep these in your command code box until you destroy them."

She looked at him, compassion in her dark eyes. "This is going to be very difficult for you, Jim, and I'm sorry, but I think it's time you know the truth. I think you should wait to view and read them until after shift tomorrow since it's your day off the next day. It's going to take you a long time to go through these and you're not going to want to go to the bridge afterward, believe me. Maybe after you see what really happened you'll understand why Leonard did what he did." She gave him a sad smile, patted him gently and left him standing there still looking shell shocked.

Jim clutched the data chips tightly in his hand. His stomach roiled and his chest hurt. Why, why hadn't Bones shared any of this with him? He snorted to himself; stupid question. Why? Because Bones was always trying to protect him, take care of him, that's why. He looked down at the data chips. He didn't want to relive those terrible days; didn't want to remember Bones' worry, his own weakness, his intense rehab, his deep rooted fear that he would never be able to command again. He walked over to his safe and put them in his command code box to wait until tomorrow.

Alpha shift was uneventful; there was still no conversation or interaction on the bridge from the crew. Jim was beginning to think there would never be again until he and Bones were back to normal. It was all getting very old very fast. He wondered, as he walked to his quarters after his shift, just who was getting punished here. Life without Bones was proving to be a miserable and lonely existence. He changed out of his uniform, locked his cabin door, got out the two data chips and got comfortable on the bed with his padd. He opened the report data chip first and began to read. Seconds, minutes, hours slipped by and he read on; by turn, shocked, distraught, agitated, saddened, and nauseated by what he read. Even with Spock's detached narrative style, it was devastating. Once he had to stop, get up and pace for a few minutes, trying to calm himself down when he came to the part where Bones broke down and Spock had to intervene and nerve pinch him. He rubbed his tired eyes, unnerved. When he finally finished the report it was 1400 hours. He got up and poured himself a stiff drink, and then another. "Oh, Bones," he said softly, his heart breaking a little as he thought of all Bones had gone through for him.

Jim lay down on the bed, stared up at the ceiling until his eyes burned, and finally fell into a fitful, restless sleep filled with dreams of his climb up the warp core. He woke up very early and dialed up some coffee and dry toast from the replicator. He didn't think his stomach could tolerate more. He really didn't want to watch, but Jim Kirk was not a coward, so he pulled the video chip from the safe and put it into his desk computer. He sat down and began to watch. It was all filmed in real time starting from the time he went into the warp core. Spock had helpfully sped up the video from that point on. For seven excruciating hours, he sat unmoving until it was over, his breath coming erratically, his mind bewildered and his heart hurting and overwhelmed by what he'd seen Bones doing for him.

And then Jim Kirk, the man who'd learned very early in life to keep tears at bay no matter his physical or mental pain, put his head down on his desk and sobbed his heart out until his chest hurt. He eventually pulled himself together, got up, washed his face and checked his chrono. It was almost the end of gamma shift. Bones would be off duty in ten minutes. He would go see him and they would talk and maybe, somehow Jim could salvage this shit storm and they could be _JimandBones_ again. He hadn't eaten since breakfast, so he grabbed an apple and some milk, changed into his civvies, and walked out the door. He walked straight to Bones' quarters, punched in his code and entered in to a dark room; he stopped dead in his tracks. Bones' quarters were empty, totally empty; there was not a trace of Bones in the room. He ignored the knot of cold fear that was forming in his stomach and thought _nononono_ , _Bones has just probably moved out of the CMO's quarters to a regular cabin. I'll fix this; he'll be back here in no time_. He drew in a deep shaky breath and tried to calm his racing heart.

"Computer, locate Dr. Leonard McCoy."

The computer responded promptly. "Dr. Leonard McCoy is not on the _Enterprise_. His location is unknown."

Jim felt panic rise in his belly as he pulled out his communicator; Spock was probably asleep, but what the hell, Jim didn't give a shit. "Kirk to Spock."

"Spock here, Captain." Spock didn't even sound sleepy. The man had probably been up for hours.

"Mr. Spock, where is Dr. McCoy?" Jim brought the words out through clenched teeth. There was a full second of silence from Spock; bad news, then. Jim heard him take in a slight breath, the only sign of agitation from the Vulcan.

"Dr. McCoy has left the ship, Captain."

"What? Hell, Spock! How could he have left the ship? Report to my quarters immediately," Jim said furiously, his heart pounding in his breast.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim faces some hard and bitter truths.

  **Gone Bones**

**Chapter 3**

**"Doubt thou the stars are fire;**

**Doubt that the sun doth move;**

**Doubt truth to be a liar;**

**But never doubt I love."**

**Hamlet**

 

"I will be there in ten minutes, Captain."

Jim strode to his own cabin and paced impatiently. Spock entered and stood silent, impassive, arms loose at his side, contemplating Jim's furious face.

"Where is Bones, Spock?" Jim asked, his voice cold.

"I am afraid I do not know, Captain. Yesterday, Dr. McCoy tendered his resignation as CMO of this ship; a resignation that I reluctantly accepted. He requested his earned medical leave which he has never used, and his upcoming vacation time, all of which I approved. He asked if he could borrow a small shuttle to return to Earth, which I also approved; he packed all his belongings and left the ship last night." He handed Jim his padd. There was a letter displayed.

Jim read:

_To: Commander S'chn T'gai Spock_

_From: Lt. Commander, Leonard Horatio McCoy, M.D., Ph.D._

_It is with deep regret that I tender my resignation as Chief Medical Officer of the Star Ship Enterprise._

_As you know, Mr. Spock, the success of any CMO serving on a star ship depends in large part on the respect, confidence and trust between the Captain and his CMO. Since Captain Kirk has made it very clear that he no longer has the trust, respect and confidence in me that is necessary to do my job well, I think it’s best for him, for me, and for the crew, that I leave the ship immediately. I highly recommend Dr. Geoffrey M'Benga as the new CMO. He has the experience, knowledge base, and trust of the crew and the Captain. I am sure he will carry out all his duties_ _as CMO in an exemplary manner._

_It has been my honor and privilege to serve with the best Captain and crew in the Fleet._

_Live Long and Prosper, Mr. Spock. Thank you for your patience and your logical good sense during the many trying situations you have found yourself in when dealing with me._

_Please take care of the Captain to the best of your ability._

_Signed: Leonard H. McCoy, Lt. Commander, M.D., Ph.D_

Jim looked up at Spock with burning eyes. "You didn't think to tell me about this?" he asked bitterly, clutching the padd to his chest. He felt an actual physical pain in his gut after reading Bones' words. After this debacle was over, he thought grimly, he was going to have words with his command crew about keeping things from him.

Spock looked at him calmly, and quoted softly. "Anything pertaining to Dr. McCoy's status will be handled only by you. I don't want to see him, hear him, hear anything about him, or have any interactions or conversations with him or with you about him."

Jim closed his eyes tightly in pain, remembering his orders to Spock. "I've been an unmitigated ass, Spock, and I've also been a heartless, stone cold, son of a bitch to Bones," he added, his jaw tight. He sighed and opened his eyes. "He deserves so much better from me, but I was so angry, so furious with him, putting himself at risk like that." He looked at his XO, his face bewildered. "I don't even know what I was thinking? These last ten days without Bones, have been hell for me.”

"Yes, Sir, and for the good doctor as well. Your distress, and his as well, has been quite evident to all of us." Spock spoke quietly, then stepped closer. "Captain... Jim… if I may." Spock's voice was even more serious than usual. "Sometimes behind great anger such as that which you have experienced, there lies an even stronger emotion such as great fear. In this case, it was your fear of a possible unendurable loss. Perhaps you reacted as you did because you feared the loss of the one person you value most, the one you esteem above all others, and thus you reacted with profound anger. Dr. McCoy's insubordination was the reason you gave yourself for your reaction." He paused. "I believe that Dr. McCoy's motivations for his actions were the same. Your whole crew knows that you are the one he cares for above all others. Therefore, after what he endured when you died in the warp core, he could not let the Vians torture you to your death."

Jim stared at Spock, his words hitting him like blows from a hammer. The sensation was like falling down a rabbit hole and coming back up to a new and different world; a world that finally made some sense. Of course, he thought, as the years of memories of Bones chased one another in his head. He loved Bones, he was in love with Bones! Had probably always loved Bones. He'd just been too blind, too complacent, and too oblivious to realize it. That's why he'd reacted with so much anger and fear to the thought of Bones' dying. He felt a hot tide of shame and guilt wash over him as he thought of missions that had gone wrong; times when Bones had voiced that same anger after patching Jim up. God, he was such a hypocrite! How easily, how conveniently he'd forgotten his own reckless behavior; and to think some people called him a genius! Stupid! That's what he was, so utterly stupid!

Jim paced up and down in agitation, his blue eyes wild. "Spock, I've been incredibly blind, as well as an idiot. It's a wonder that I can even walk and talk at the same time," he said, tugging at his hair and making it stand on end. He drew in a deep breath. "But later for that, first things first; I have to find Bones," he said, trying to keep his raging impatience at bay. "Somehow I have to fix this. Did he say where he was going?"

"No, Sir. He said he would leave the shuttle at SFM for us to pick up, that he would use public transport from there. Therefore, I concluded he would not stay in San Francisco. Perhaps Georgia to see Joanna?"

Jim looked into the compassionate, dark brown eyes of his First. "No...I don't think so. I don't think he would want Baby Girl to see him in such bad shape. Uhura told me he wasn't doing well. How was he, Spock? How did he look to you?" he whispered anxiously. 

Spock's voice was carefully neutral. "Not well, Captain. He's lost a considerable amount of weight, his face was quite drawn and pale, and I believe some of his injuries still pain him. He seemed to have difficulty carrying all his luggage. We said our goodbyes at the shuttle bay, but we did not speak long." He paused. "Nyota was angry with me for not stopping him, but I knew that he could not be dissuaded from his decision to leave...even with Dr. McCoy's aviaphobia, he was absolutely determined to leave the ship."

Jim closed his eyes in pain, thinking of Bones alone in that small shuttle, terrified of flying, his aviaphobia always so much worse when he was stressed, anguished at leaving the ship, of leaving Jim behind. Bones, who had never left Jim before. Where Jim led, Bones had always followed and where Bones was, Jim was there too. Since that first day when Bones had thrown up on him on the shuttle, he'd always been there, had saved Jim in so many ways. It had always been Jim and Bones, through all their days at the Academy and on the ship, and somehow, Jim vowed fiercely, it would be Jim and Bones again if he had anything to do with it.

Jim turned, pivoted on his heel, and faced Spock. "He wouldn't go see Joanna looking and feeling like he does, so where else would he go? He also wouldn't go where there are a lot of people; Bones is like a wounded bear when he's hurt, he wants to be left alone to brood. Let me think…." Jim paced back and forth, back and forth, while Spock waited and watched patiently. Jim thought of all the places he and Bones had gone to during their years at the Academy and on shore leave. He thought of where Bones would most likely run to.

Finally, he looked at Spock. "Bones' Uncle Ulysses died a few years ago and left him a small house in Montana. His uncle only lived there part of the year, but Bones visited him many times and he loves it there. He's told me how beautiful it is, with fishing, hiking and a lake for swimming. It's very isolated, located in the foothills and with no neighbors nearby. He's wanted to go there for shore leave, but being the selfish bastard that I am, I've talked him out of it every time, told him it would be too boring," Jim added, looking sad. "I have a hunch that's where he's gone, and I'm going after him."

He sat down suddenly, dismayed realization hitting him. Ships’ Captains just don't leave their ships whenever they feel like it. "Spock! How can I leave the ship? What excuse do I have for going after my former CMO?"

Spock cleared his throat. "Captain… Jim…. Dr. McCoy is not yet the former CMO, Sir. Lt. Uhura has informed me, that somehow, the data packet with his resignation did not go out, only his request for medical leave went with the data packet. Therefore, it seems only prudent to me that the Captain of said CMO needs to check on his highly valued crew member, just to ensure that he is receiving the proper and necessary medical care after almost dying at the hands of the Vians."

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Jim saw the proverbial light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. He grinned, light headed with relief. "Spock, you and Uhura are damned scary sometimes, but I love the hell out of both of you." He stood up. "I'm going to Montana to bring Bones back."

He pulled out his duffle from the closet and started grabbing some clothes. "Go ahead and file my request for 5 days of emergency leave, word it however you think best, Spock. I'll ship out in an hour. You're in charge until I get back." He turned, smiled at his First. "Thanks, Spock. I owe you and Uhura big time. Oh, please return these to Lt. Uhura," he said, handing Spock the two data chips, "and please tell her I said thank you."

"I will tell her, Jim.” He looked at the data chips with distaste, the memories of those days, repugnant. “I will destroy these, and you are very welcome. I must confess that this ship would not be the same without Dr. McCoy here to challenge my logic at all possible times." Spock walked out of Jim's quarters, a definite aura of smug satisfaction wafting from his straight back and set shoulders.

Jim tossed a few more clothes and personal items in his duffle, attached his communicator to his belt, grabbed some energy bars and water and made his way to the shuttle bay. The two-men shuttle was only capable of warp 2, so his trip to Earth would take all night, ship's time.

He'd just opened the shuttle door when a soft hand reached out and stopped him. It was Uhura. "I wanted to say goodbye, Jim, and to say that you're doing the right thing. He belongs here with us, so bring him home. Tell him we all miss him." She gave him a gentle hug and was gone.

Jim sat in the pilot’s seat, went through his pre flight check list, put in his coordinates, and did his comm checks. Finally the shuttle bay ensign, talking to him through his head comm, gave him the okay for lift off and opened the gigantic shuttle bay doors. Jim lifted the shuttle up and out and left his mighty ship behind. He settled in and ate an energy bar, hearing Bones' voice in his head, _Damnit, Jim did you forget to eat again?_ He put the shuttle on autopilot to get some much needed rest. The proximity alarms would alert him if there was any close traffics.

When he woke up, he was close to the Jupiter space station and he would be over Montana soon. The house, Bones had told him, was located in the Castle Mountain foothills, close to the northern expanse of the Crazy Mountains. It stood isolated on 40 acres so he would set the shuttle down far away from the house and walk. He didn't want to spook Bones; surprise was part of his plan. He flew high over the area first checking it out, set the shuttle down a mile from the house, picked up his duffle and began to walk. As he walked, he thought. How was Bones? Uhura had told him that Bones didn’t look well. Jim worried at his lip. He just hoped that Bones was okay.

"Please be okay," he murmured to himself, because if Bones wasn't okay, it was all Jim's fault. In his anger, Jim had trampled on Bones' heart, trampled on it and probably broke it too. Jim groaned! God, he was so selfish and so needy. Bones gave and gave, and Jim took and took. It had been that way, from the beginning of their friendship; even drunk, miserable, and scared out of his mind of flying in the shuttle, Bones had still shared his flask with Jim. If Bones wasn't okay, Jim didn't know what he'd do. Wait, wait, yes, he did. He'd stay here in Montana with Bones and take care of him as long as he needed to, take a leave of absence if he had to. What was the point of going back to the ship without Bones? He'd had almost two weeks of life without him and he never, ever, wanted to repeat that misery again.

He thought back to their three years at the Academy. Bones had almost been destroyed by his divorce, by having to leave Joanna behind. Jim had been a mess too and his solution to every problem had been, fight, fuck, or run away. Yet somehow, two hurt, broken, lonely people had become friends. Theirs had always been an intense, tactile, and very close friendship. They had both dated, Bones occasionally, Jim frequently. The gender and species of their dates had never been an issue for either of them, but the dating had always been very casual. The real emotional connection had been between the two of them. As time went on, Jim became Bones' roommate, his confidant, his support, his sounding board, his tutor for shuttle sims. Bones became Jim's wingman, his drinking buddy, his physician, his counselor, his constant companion. Bones had never abandoned him. Even when he'd been posted to the _Enterprise_ without Jim, Bones had sneaked him on board. His steadfast presence had always grounded Jim; made him a better cadet, a better Captain, and, he hoped, a better person. They'd had an occasional disagreement, but for the most part, theirs had been a remarkably smooth and solid friendship. _Until I screwed it up,_ Jim thought bitterly.

Looking back, Jim could see how that initial acquaintance had grown into affection and affection into love. That Bones loved him, Jim had no doubt. Bones had taken care of him, patched him up, taken him to Georgia to meet his precious Joanna and his family, gone with him on shore leaves and vacations, stood by him through his escapades at the Academy, the fiascos of the Kobayashi Maru, Nero, Nibiru, his demotion, and then Khan. Jim remembered that sometimes after an exhausting stressful week or a riotous weekend, they would both fall into the same bed, waking up warm and cozy, arms and legs entangled together. _My God!_ Jim thought, _what kind of friends do that? That should have been a big fucking clue! God, I've_ _been so dense and myopic_. For all that he prided himself on his tactical and strategic genius, on his famous gut instinct which seldom failed him, this thing between him and Bones had been an epic **_Fail!_**

Jim came in sight of the small house. It was built of river rock with brown wood trimming sadly in need of paint, and a gray slate roof. It had a forlorn, neglected look to it as if it had stood empty for a long time. The house itself was surrounded by a stand of huge, old pine trees which loomed over it. There was a porch that was as wide as the house and on the porch were two rocking chairs, a small table and a porch swing which creaked as it swung gently in the wind. There was a garden on one side of the house, but Jim saw that it was sadly neglected and had not been tended in what looked like years. It was full of weeds although he could see tall old rose bushes rising from the weeds. The house showed no sign of life, but Jim saw a small rented shuttle parked on the side yard. Bones was here. Jim walked up to the front porch and knocked loudly on the door, then knocked again. After a minute, the door opened violently.

"Whoever you are, go away!" Bones stood there in front of him, glowering fiercely. He looked at Jim incomprehensibly for a few seconds before his identity registered. Bones looked completely stunned.

"Jim! What the hell! What are you doing here?"

"I came for you, old man, that's what I'm doing here, and by the way, you look like shit!"

Bones stood blocking the door and made no move to let Jim in. He really did look like shit. He was very pale, he'd lost so much weight that his well worn jeans and black t-shirt hung loosely on his tall frame; his dark silky hair was too long and combed haphazardly. Bones had always been meticulous about his hair, kept it regulation short, trimmed and well combed.

"Well, Dr. McCoy, are you going to let me come in? Or do we talk at the door," Jim asked, his stomach in knots. Maybe Bones would slam the door in his face.

Bones was silent for a long moment, looking hard at him. Finally he stepped aside and stood stiffly as Jim walked in, brushing by him, looking around. The room was large and sparsely furnished; the furniture, though old, looked well made and comfortable. There was a large sofa with an old quilt on it, two upholstered side chairs, a side table with a lamp, and a coffee table in front of the sofa. There was a faded rug in front of the fire place on the hardwood floor, and there were framed, faded pictures of lakes and mountains scattered on the walls. A cup of coffee stood on the coffee table along with a few padds. Bones shoes were thrown on the floor. Jim could see a hallway leading to more rooms, and a kitchen adjoining the living area.

"Nice place, you've got here, Bones," Jim said, dropping his duffle bag at the door. "Very nice, and the scenery outside is fantastic."

"What are you doing here, Jim, and how did you find me? I didn't tell anyone where I was going," Bones said wearily, not looking at Jim, his eyes fixed on a spot on the wall.

Jim sighed. Bones had never avoided eye contact with him before, just another indication of just how hurt he was. "I know you, Bones, how your mind works when you want to hide, that's how I found you, and I'm here to take you back to the ship."

Bones snorted, it was a bitter sound. He turned his body away from Jim and stood perpendicular to him. The uncurtained window cast a golden light on his strong profile and the fine lines of stress and tension around his mouth and eyes. Jim moved closer to him, but the hazel eyes still refused to look at him.

"Jim…..go away, please, just go away and leave me the hell alone." Bones' voice was low and raspy. "M' tired, Jim, so damn tired, so please just go back to the ship. Please...let me be."

"I'm not going away, Bones," Jim said softly. "We have to talk."

Bones winced and whispered. "If I recall what you said to Spock, you don't want to have any conversations with me or about me."

Jim heard how unsteady his voice was, and then to his horror, he saw the slight tremble of Bones' lower lip, and at that, his heart broke.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's life undergoes a paradigm shift

**Gone Bones**

**Chapter 4**

**"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them,**

**glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it."**

**Thucydides 460-404bc**

 

Before he knew it, Jim had his arms around Bones, holding him tight around the shoulders and burrowing his head into the juncture of his shoulder and neck. He breathed in the familiar, well loved scent of Bones; soap, clean showered skin, the almond lotion he used on his over washed hands, and the old fashioned after shave he always favored.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Bones," he muttered, frantically. "I know I hurt you terribly, please, please forgive me. I love you so much. I've been a total idiot. Everything, everyone, including me, has been a mess without you. I was just so angry and so scared about almost losing you that I just lost it. Please don't leave me, Bones; please come back to me."

Bones stood stiff and rigid under his hands. "Jim…Jim...don't… please don't." He shuddered. "Stop... please... Jim. Just stop! I don't know how much more I can take. Don't say things like that, you don't even know what you're sayin', kid."

"I know exactly what I'm saying, Bones. I've been so stupid. It's all my fault things are the way they are. Please, can we go sit down so we can talk, and I'll try my best to fix this, okay? Come on." He led the unresisting Bones over to the sofa, gently pushed him down and sat next to him, shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee. He took Bones' two warm hands in his, turned his body so Bones could look him in the face and stroked the backs of his careworn surgeon's hands, gently, soothingly. They sat silent for a minute, until at last, Jim saw the tense, rigid shoulders begin to relax a little. Jim leaned in and pressed his forehead to Bones' shoulder trying to gather his thoughts, and his courage, praying for the right words. He could feel the tremors running up and down Bones' body, he was very close to the breaking point. Jim shut his eyes in pain. When he thought of all he'd seen on the video feed, of McCoy's breakdown, how he'd worked unceasingly without food or rest, never giving voice to his own pain and anguish so Jim could focus on his own healing, he felt as if his heart would crack wide open with pain.

"Bones, you have no idea," Jim said softly, tightening his hold on Bones' hands. "The command crew, the Med Bay staff, and me, especially me, we've all been miserable without you. It's been a nightmare without my Bones. No one's really talking to me, they're all so upset with me, and it's because of you, Bones, you're the heart of the crew. They miss you so much. Chekov looks like he wants to cry all the time, and Uhura looks at me like I'm some sort of repellant insect...and...and M'Benga just looks lost, and Chapel? God, Bones, Chapel...she's so angry with me that it's just scary."

McCoy sighed and looked down at their clasped hands. "That's...that's really kinda' hard for me to believe. You have the best, the most loyal crew in the fleet; they worship the ground you walk on."

"Believe me, it's true...and there sure hasn't been any worshipping going on. We are not a happy crew without you. I need you, Bones, we all need you, but me most of all." He lifted his right hand up to Bones' jaw and turned his head to face him. He put his other arm around the broad shoulders. Then in a rush of overwhelming feeling at finally having this man under his hands, he leaned in and kissed Bones, just a gentle loving slide of lips against lips. Somehow, he had to get past Bones' hurt and defenses and convince him of his feelings.

The doctor didn't respond at first, sitting immobile, frozen in place, but Jim slowly ran the tip of his tongue softly around Bones' upper lip, gently exploring his closed mouth. Jim felt him sigh and then begin to kiss Jim back, very tentatively and carefully, as if unsure of his welcome. Jim felt a surge of profound relief at the response and smiled against the soft hesitant lips.

"I love you, Bones. I know you're surprised to hear me say that, but it's the truth, there's been this huge hole in my heart without you. There’s no one on that boat can fill it; not Spock, Uhura, M'Benga, Christine, or anyone else. Only you. I think I've loved you since the shuttle ride. I was just too dumb, too stupid to realize it. It's always been _JimandBones,_ from the beginning. You're my Bones. You're the one that keeps me going when I want to give up. You're the one who always puts me back together again. Won't you please believe me, Bones? Please? I know I'm a screw up, and I've been a hypocrite too, after all you've put up from me, all my injuries, even my death, but I'll do better, Bones, I will, I promise you _."_

It took a moment for Jim's words to sink in. He felt Bones' arm muscles tighten in reaction. Jim pulled back slightly and looked into the hazel eyes, eyes that looked back at him with what Jim now recognized as deep love, the irises swirling with color, green, brown, amber, gold. He felt the slight tremor in Bones shoulder and Jim pulled him closer, arms wrapped tight around him, warm and strong.

"Please say that you believe me, Bones."

"Jim, wait...wait," Bones whispered, blinking rapidly, nervously. "Wait," he said drawing back and taking a deep breath. "I want to believe you, I do. I want to more than anythin'. And you're not a screw up, kid. You're the bravest, smartest, most wonderful, most amazin' person I've ever known. I love you, Jimmy, I love you to distraction, more than you can even imagine. I want to believe that you love me too, I do, but I gotta' be sure. Because if we do this, you and me, it can't be a casual thing between us. I can't do that. If you get tired of me, or find someone else, it would kill me. I'm not strong enough to live through that kind of loss twice. I won't, I can't."

Jim drew him even closer and murmured in his ear. "This is it for me, Bones. Do you think I'd ever let you go after this? Not a chance in hell. You're stuck with me now. We'll be _JimandBones_ forever."

He didn't say more, just waited, holding on tight until the tense muscles against him begin to relax. Jim drew back, looked at Bones' face, and saw his own yearning and desire reflected there. "Let me tell you something, Leonard McCoy, and you listen good. If monogamy means having you at my side for the rest of my life, then even that won't be long enough. That's my romantic declaration to you," Jim said, smiling a little into the hazel eyes. "And now I need to hear that you want to be by my side too."

Bones snorted, frowning at Jim. "You make it sound as if at this point in my life, I'd ever wanna' be anywhere else, you idiot. 'Course I'll be there. I think it's my destiny or some romantic shit like that." He nipped lightly at Jim's jaw, and then kissed the spot softly. Jim's heart soared at the words as he returned the soft kisses.

"Will you come to bed with me, Bones?" he murmured. "I'd say three plus years is more than enough foreplay, don't you think? Need you...want you, want you so much. God, I've missed you so much. I need to feel you, touch you, be with you."

Bones looked deeply into his eyes for a minute. Jim's heart stuttered as he waited for Bones' decision. The hazel eyes darkened with some deep emotion, and he finally nodded, pulled Jim up, and led him down the hall to the nearest bed room. They threw off their shirts, undershirts, and pants along the way. Bones pushed Jim towards the bed and the back of his legs hit the old fashioned bed rail. Then Jim, who had always aced each and every physics test he'd ever taken, and who well understood the inexorable pull of gravity, flipped them over by hooking a leg under Bones. They fell on the bed with Bones on top of him. He felt the welcomed weight of the doctor's lean body on top of him and felt him tremble as his hands roamed frantically all over him, chest, sides, arms, stomach, as if to reassure himself that Jim was really there. Jim moaned at the feel of those warm hands on his body, nothing, nothing had ever felt so good. Bones' hand came to a stop at the elastic of his briefs and he quickly pulled them down and off. Jim did the same for Bones. Now they were completely naked, skin touching skin from lips to toes, Bones' callused hand going up and down his naked torso.

This, Jim thought dazedly, was wonderfully new in ways he couldn't even believe. In all his years of sexual activity with many different beings, no one had ever made him feel like this. He whimpered as Bones' hand ran lightly over the curve of his back and down his hips, to his legs. He thought he might come just from the touch of those warm hands alone. He bit his lips hard, tasting blood, his head moving restlessly trying to stave off his orgasm, then Bones shifted up and Jim kissed his forehead, his cheek, his ear, lowering to this throat, sucking and nipping. He rolled his hips against Bones, driving heat between their two erect and hard cocks as they collided together.

Jim shuddered. "Need lube," he gasped. Bones grunted and reached over to the small lamp table and pulled open a drawer. He grabbed a small bottle of lube, flipped the lid open and slathered it on one hand. He grasped both their cocks in a firm grip and stroked them up and down. They both moaned, frantic, frenzied. Bones kissed him like a starving man, passionately, hungrily, desperately. Jim returned the frantic kisses then buried his face in Bones' throat, his nails digging hard into Bones' back, breath panting out warm and moist against the silky skin. It didn't take long; they were both too aroused, too needy, too desperate. Once, twice, three times, and they both came at the same time with muffled cries.

Bones buried his face in the crook of Jim's neck, holding him tightly as they rode out the last tremors of their orgasms together. Both were gasping, trying to take in big gulps of air. Jim tightened his hold on Bones and Bones clutched Jim to him. Jim let himself be fitted against Bones' body, forehead resting hard against his jaw, ignoring the stickiness between them as his breathing slowly returning to normal.

This, Jim thought, eyes tightly shut, this was what he never knew he needed. This was what he'd been missing all his adult life, and now he had it. He wondered blissfully how in the hell he had ever lived without it. This was real, the two of them were really in Montana, they were really naked in bed together, they had really just made wild passionate love. Jim didn't know what to do with his sudden wild elation. He felt absolutely giddy with joy and happiness.

"Wow," he said. "Just wow. That was unbelievable," he whispered shakily.

"Jim, darlin'" Bones murmured in his ear. "It was, it was unbelievable, but let me up, so I can clean us up, or, you know, we're gonna' be stuck together."

"N'umph, not yet. M' basking in the afterglow, Bones. Enjoying the hell out of it too, never have glowed so high in my life," Jim murmured contently, eyes closed, a shiver running through him at Bones' endearment. It was true, he'd never had such a high orgasm before, and they hadn't even done that much!

Bones chuckled. "You know we can do this again...that is if you want to?" He disengaged carefully, went into the adjoining bathroom and came out with a warm wet towel. He gently wiped Jim off and then himself, tossing the towel and sat on the edge of the bed looking at Jim, his hazel eyes uncertain and vulnerable.

Jim opened his eyes wide and looked at him in disbelief. He sat up, hearing the hesitation and uncertainty behind the question. "If I want to? If I want to? Are you kidding me? I may never want to do anything else...ever again!" He grabbed Bones' face with two hands. "You...you...I don't even know what to say. Listen here, Bones McCoy and listen good. You're amazing, that's all, absolutely amazing! I can't believe we haven't been doing this for years." He groaned. "It's all on me; I've been so incredibly stupid! But I've seen the light now!" Jim leaned contently against Bones' warm body, running gentle hands along the hard muscles. He looked at the doctor through his lashes.

"Bones," he asked softly, wanting desperately to know. "How long have you been in love with me?"

Bones hunched in on himself, suddenly shy at the question. A soft pink crept up his neck and face.

"It's been a long time, Jim. Since way before the Narada."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Jim asked, gently stroking the soft hair tapering down Bones' neck.

Bones cleared his throat, looking down at his hands. "Sometimes, I wanted to so bad, I felt I would burst, but I dunno, guess I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same and I'd ruin our friendship, that you'd be repulsed or somethin'. I just never thought you'd want monogamy, that you'd be happy just to be with me. I wouldn't have been able to deal with you beddin' anyone and everyone." He looked at Jim, his hazel eyes still uncertain. "I'm not like you, Jim. I've only been in love with two people in my life, Jocelyn and you. You know how it turned out with Jocelyn and I was scared shitless that it would happen all over again if we ever got together."

Jim leaned his forehead on Bones' shoulder. "Then you're one ahead of me, Bones. I've never loved anyone before you, ever. You're my first, my last, my only." He turned Bones' head to face him,  pressed their foreheads together and drew in a deep breath. "I'm sick with love for you, McCoy," he said tenderly. "I always knew if I fell in love it would be a once and forever love just like my mother loved my father. That's why I fought it so hard, I didn't want to be like her, vowed I'd never let myself fall in love, but then a hot, grumpy, genius of a doctor came into my life, wound himself around my soul and heart, and it happened. It took me a while to get with the program, but I'm totally with it now. I'm never going to be able to live without you now, without this." His hand encompassed them and the bed. "C' mere, baby," Jim said. He pulled them back down on the bed. Bones came willingly and snuggled, head under Jim's chin, pressed up against him like a limpet. Jim frowned. Bones was too thin. He could feel the too sharp angles of the long body pressed against him. "Sleep first, then more lovemaking, then food, then some more talking and more lovemaking."

Bones murmured sleepily. "Sounds like a plan, Captain." His eyes closed, his breathing deepened and sleep overtook him. Jim smiled, looking at the sleeping Bones. They had time. Four more days here together. Four days of getting used to being _JimandBones_ in this new, amazing way. He didn't have to regret anything in the past anymore, his stupidity, his blindness, his selfishness, because now he could see their life together on the ship and in the future. The thought of him and Bones coming home to each other every day and every night on the ship made him feel breathless, and he clutched the sleeping man tighter. He would never take the love and devotion of this man for granted again. His eyes closed on a feeling of wild elation!

Two hours later, Jim woke up to the feeling of smooth skin pressed up next to him. For a few seconds, he wondered where he was and who he was with. Jim didn't sleep with anyone on the _Enterprise_. It was bad for morale, and worse, it was against regs to have sexual relations with anyone more then two steps below him in rank. He made do with shore leaves and his good right hand. Then he remembered; he was in Montana, and he was with Bones. A big grin split his face as he came fully awake and his right hand caressed the soft skin of Bones' back and rested lightly against his hip.

"Bones," Jim whispered, kissing him softly. Hazel eyes opened, widened comically, and then realization came in to them.

"Jim." Bones murmured, blinking rapidly. "I'm not dreamin' am I? Please tell me I'm not dreamin'," he pressed gentle kisses up the curve of Jim's shoulder, neck, and chin. The tip of his tongue came out and he licked at the corner of Jim's mouth. "You feel real, and you taste real too, so I don't think I'm dreamin'."

Jim's chuckled. "Not unless I'm dreaming too." His stomach gave a growl. "I don't think stomachs growl in dreams." he said. "How about a shower, more lovemaking and then food, or a shower, food, and then more lovemaking. I'm hungry for you, and I'm hungry for food."

McCoy smiled. "Yes to the shower and yes to the food, I'm hungry too, I haven't eaten since last evening, and not much then...and yes to the lovemakin'. Don't you think," he leered at Jim, his eyebrows going up and down, "we'll have more energy after we eat?"

Jim laughed. "I guess so, I haven't eaten anything since yesterday either, except an energy bar on the shuttle."

"Jim! That's not healthy! As your doctor I hate it when you skip meals. You can't afford to lose any weight. You're at the low end for your height already." Bones scowled at him.

"Look who’s talking. I've never seen you this skinny before, Doctor McCoy, so physician heal thyself." He kissed Bones lightly to take the sting out of the scolding. "Seriously, though, you've lost a ton of weight, and yes, you are my doctor." He looked into the worried hazel eyes. "My Bones," he said tenderly, and gently pinched the protruding hip bone. "You're everything to me, Bones, everything. I'm worried about you, you don't look well."

Bones rolled off him onto his back and wouldn't look at him. Jim kept his hand on Bones' wrist, keeping him from going too far.

"Talk to me, McCoy. Why haven't you been eating?"

A spot of color flushed the high cheek bones. "I just couldn't eat anythin'...my stomach was in knots all the time, and every time I ate I'd throw it up." He glanced over at Jim, remembered anguish in his eyes. "I thought you were done with me forever, Jim, and I didn't know what to do, what to think." He sighed. "My brain wasn't workin' right. I just kept goin' over everything you'd said to me in my head. After I thought 'bout things, it seemed best to get outta' of your way and leave the ship, 'cause I couldn't be there for you anymore, kid; you didn't want me anymore. Things just kept gettin' worse and worse. I was all messed up without you, so I thought I'd come here, start my anti anxiety meds again, and get my head on straight." He shuddered, his southern drawl getting more and more prominent in his distress.

"Bones," Jim whispered, shutting his eyes in sorrow at what he'd done to Bones. "I was messed up without you too. I was so lost and so scared all the time." He picked up the bony wrist, and softly kissed the inside of it. "Seems like we really need each other, Dr. McCoy."

"Yeah, seems like we do." He turned his body and looked intently at Jim. "Are you sure 'bout this, Jimmy? About us being together? Is it really somethin' you're willing to do?"

Jim grabbed him tightly and pulled him close. "I'm as sure about this as I am about the sun rising tomorrow. I love you, Bones. I need you, like air, like water, like the blood pumping in my veins. My life on the ship was nothing without you."

Bones scooted closer, not a millimeter of space between them. Jim's blue eyes sparkled at him and Bones pressed a passionate kiss to his lips. Jim bit his cheek to keep from moaning out loud when Bones' hard erection slid against him, "Bones. I...I..."

"What, darlin'? Tell me."

"Shower can wait. Food can wait, I can't," he whispered shakily. His heart beat erratically when Bones lifted him up and over him. Jim could feel the silky hardness of his cock underneath him burning into his skin. "I want you, Bones. Want to feel you inside me."

"I want you too." Bones growled, his eyes glowing a deep forest green with love and desire. Jim looked into those eyes and pressed their foreheads together. Their noses bumped accidentally, and he chuckled. He took a moment to just breathe in Bones' scent, and then drew in a deep breath of contentment as those large, warm surgeon's hands pulled him in even closer. They kissed, sweetly and passionately, breaths intermingling. He found Bones' hand and clasped it; his pale fingers intertwined around the tan ones. This time there was no rush. They explored each others' skin, muscles, bones, and soft body hair….all different textures and sensations to enjoy. For Jim, touching McCoy' body, brought a relief from tension and anxiety he hadn't even realized he carried. His body felt warm and pliant, every pore in his body relaxed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Bones come to the end of their stay in Montana and are ready for their new reality.

 

**Gone Bones**

**Chapter 5**

**“Thou art my life, my love, my heart, The very eyes of me;**

**And hast command of every part,**

**To live and die for thee.”**

**Robert Herrick**

 

There was tenderness, gentleness, as well as deep passion between them; all the things Jim had always wanted and somehow had never gotten from any of his previous sexual partners…maybe, he thought dizzily, maybe because love had never been part of the equation. Bones gasped as Jim took a nipple into his mouth and laved his tongue around it. Bones arched his body in pleasure. Jim hummed happily at the reaction and did it again on the other side.

"Jim." His name, from Bones' lips, was a joyous breath of love and desire.

Jim responded by burrowing against Bones' chest, the warm skin igniting a fire that ran through every inch of his skin. He wanted this so much! He felt Bones' rapid heartbeat, the heat of his skin as he nibbled at his jaw tasting the salt of his sweat. Every one of his senses was overwhelmed. It was sensory overload, he was so overcome with pleasure and happiness.

Bones' fingers trailed down Jim's sides, gently encouraging more exploration, more touching, more….everything!

"Jim…" he said, "I….I…." His breath hitched with emotion.

"I know…," Jim whispered. "Me too." He fumbled for the tube of lube on the bedside table. He flipped open the top, poured it on his fingers and pulling himself away from Bones' lips, went up on his knees and began preparing himself. Bones moaned as he watched Jim.

"Oh, God, Jim, you're killing me, darlin'." He gripped Jim's hip hard enough to bruise. Jim looked at Bones’ face, words failing him, but Bones' understood. Taking a deep breath, Bones worked his own lube coated finger in slowly into Jim, breaching the tight ring of muscle, stretching him carefully as Jim pulled his own fingers out.

"Ready," he gasped, after waiting for Bones to add a second then a third finger. "I'm ready, Bones."

He looked up and saw the frown on Bones' worried face. "It's okay, it's enough. We've waited long enough. Face to face, Bones; face to face, I wanna' see you."

Bones nodded. The raging want and hunger Jim felt, was reflected back at him in the hazel eyes. Jim watched intently as Bones' slipped on the condom and smeared lube on it. Jim positioned himself, slightly propped up against the headboard, a pillow under his hips, knees spread wide on either side of Bones' hips. He made himself relax, breathing shallowly through his nose, as he felt Bones' cock breach his first ring of muscle. Bones stilled, waiting, watching Jim's face carefully for any sign of pain or discomfort.

Jim reached for him, lovingly stroking his face, shoulder, and chest. "M' good, baby, keep going." Inch by inch Bones sank down slowly until he bottomed out, his weight fully on Jim's hipbones. Jim sighed blissfully. Finally, finally! Their two bodies were joined, together at last.

"Oh, God...oh, God...this is perfect," Jim moaned on a shaky exhalation, as Bones began to thrust, slowly at first, then as Jim responded and moaned, faster and faster; their passion and need building, driving them both. Bones' warm fingers clutched Jim's shoulder and sides tightly, as Jim rolled his hips up, faster and higher meeting Bones' downward thrusts with his upward ones. Bones knew exactly how to roll his hips, and the intense bursts of pleasure Jim felt were making him see stars behind his eyelids. They were both covered in a sheen of sweat, breathlessly panting, gasping for air, as Bones kept hitting Jim's prostate with a doctor's precision. Jim's breath was coming in great gulps and he could feel the telltale tingle in his pelvis, warning him of his impending orgasm. He was powerless to stop the rampant waves of pleasure that were rolling through his body; he was on fire.

"Bones… Bones... I'm close…." Those words were a signal for Bones; he reached for Jim and grabbed him tightly around the shoulders, surging backward on his heels, bringing Jim forward to him until they were both almost in a sitting position. He held Jim tightly, arm muscles trembling at the effort it took to hold Jim close to his body, gasping, his hazel eyes feverishly bright, never leaving Jim's. Jim could hear Bones' chanting words of love and passion; _JimJimmyJimmy, IloveyouIloveyou, mineminemine._ Theadded friction of his cock trapped tightly between their bodies did it. Jim's body convulsed, as his orgasm roared through him with the force of a photon torpedo. "Bones, Bones!" He cried out, as Bones clutched him tightly against him. Bones, too, came with Jim's name muffled against the curve of his neck, his body shuddering, taking in great gulps of air.

Bones was shivering as he let go of Jim's shoulders and they collapsed together on the bed. Jim looked up at him; Bones' pupils were blown, his hair was totally mussed, he had love bites all over him. He was the picture of total, wanton, debauchery and Jim grinned, loving it all. Bones had never looked so gorgeous! They stayed like that; kissing, holding, and murmuring words of love to each other. They were here, together, having crossed over a wide, wide chasm. Life on the other side would never be the same.

"That was totally mind blowing!" Jim said, still feeling dazed. "It was….I don't even know how to describe it." Words failed Jim Kirk for the first time in his life.

"Yeah." Bones whispered, and kissed him deeply, tenderly, the tip of his tongue roaming gently over lips, teeth, gums, palette. Jim became lost in Bones' kisses, this slow, deep kissing felt better than any kiss Jim had ever experienced.

He pulled back and looked deeply into Bones' eyes, "I'll never get enough of you, McCoy, and just so you know, it will always be like this between us; I know it and I think you know it too." His voice was a little shaky, deadly serious, not the light, flirty tone, he'd always used with past lovers. Jim drew in a deep contented breath. He couldn't remember ever feeling this happy in his life and he knew that it was love for this man that made him feel this way.

McCoy sighed softly. "I always suspected it would be like this between us. From the very beginning, somehow our connection, our friendship, was always different; deep, intense, and powerful."

Jim nodded. He looked lovingly at the man in his arms. "Bones, this thing between us, it isn't going to be easy, not for either of us. You know what life can be like on the ship; danger for both of us, Fleet orders we'll hate, command decisions you won't like, away missions going wrong, disagreements and misunderstandings, too little time together; those are things we'll live with every day, but it will be worth it, being an _us_ is so worth it. You make me so happy, Bones. I've never been this happy, not even on the day I got my ship.”

He reached up and brushed the bangs back from Bones’ eyes. “Mine,” he whispered raggedly, a surge of unaccustomed possessiveness making him shiver as he held Bones close and kissed him tenderly. “When we get back, I want us to sign that cohabitation form Fleet insists on, and I want you to move in with me to the Captain's quarters. I don't want to hide our relationship. You're too important to me and I love you too much for that sort of shit. I know things can't always be perfect, but I want you to know that whatever comes, we'll work it out. We'll manage. I don't want a perfect fairy tale; I want things to be real between us, just like they've always been. I want to love you, take care of you, make you crazy when we fight and disagree. I want to worry about you, and be there for you through all the good and bad life throws our way. I want all those things for us, and maybe when we've done our tours of duty, we can find a little house and think about having a different sort of life, with kids, a dog, and all that cooking and garden shit you love so much. What do you say to that, Dr. McCoy?” He smiled radiantly up at Bones.

Bones looked down into the smiling, beautiful face, into the sky blue eyes and nodded. "I want all those things too, Jimmy. More than anythin'. I dreamed of it, always wanted it, but never thought I'd ever have a chance to have that with you. It ain't possible to have a perfect life, hell, no one knows that more than you and me, but as long as we're honest with each other, talk to each other we'll make it. I love you so much, kid, more than you'll ever know." He pulled back and grinned. "And if that isn't the sappiest thing we've ever said to each other, I'll eat my next hypo spray."

Jim burst out laughing, and his stomach growled again. "Come on, a quick shower and then some food, and then more lovemaking. How does that sound?"

"I'm totally with that plan, Captain."

They got up, took their shower together with a lot of kissing and many loving touches which prolonged the whole "quick shower" thing. Jim pulled on his softest sleep pants and t-shirt and Bones did the same. He peered outside, standing at the door leading out to the front porch to the view of the Crazy Mountains. It was getting dark out; the glory that was the Montana sky at evening was making its appearance. He realized that they'd spent most of the day in bed.

Bones was in the kitchen cooking and it smelled wonderful. He gave one last look at the millions of golden stars blossoming overhead, and went into the kitchen. He walked up behind Bones and put his arms around him, kissing the back of his neck gently.

Bones gave a dramatic shiver. "Don't distract me, Jimmy, unless you want me to burn our supper."

"Totally worth it," murmured Jim, nuzzling the soft longish hair tapering down his neck, "but I'll be good. Captains cannot live on love alone; we need to keep up our strength."

Bones turned and drew him in close and gave him a soft kiss. Jim sighed happily. Kissing Bones felt so good. Bones hugged him harder and said, "I'll never get used to this, being able to kiss you and hold you like this whenever I want to. I've fantasized about it, all the time thinking it was impossible, that I could never have this, could never have you, and now here we are. And speakin' of that, how did all this come about, Jim? How did you end up looking for me here?"

"As much as it might pain you, Dr. McCoy, you can thank Spock, and Uhura too, of course. Basically, I fell apart after Uhura gave me the real report of my death and I watched the video feed. It hit me so hard, Bones, all that you did for me. That's when I realized just how much I loved you. I just had to find you and bring you back, because I knew the ship, the mission, being Captain, it all meant nothing to me without you. I remembered about your Uncle's house and I had a hunch that you'd probably come here to get away from everything, so I came."

"So did you actually have a plan, Jimmy, or did you just think to maybe seduce me, have your way with me and entice me to go back to the ship with you?" Bones smiled lovingly into the azure eyes.

"Well," Jim said. "I am a military man, you know, and I've read all the history books about the famous Generals and Admirals and their famous tactical and battle strategies. So I followed Napoleon's brilliant plan." He smiled his beautiful smile at his Bones. **1**

"Oh? And what, may I ask, was Napoleon's brilliant plan?" Bones nuzzled the spot between Jim's ear and neck.

Jim moaned softly and leaned in for more, "It was a very simple plan, really; first I'd show up, and see what happened." He grinned and tenderly kissed Bones' cheek on the spot where he knew the dimple lived.

"Really? That was the brilliant plan? First, you'd show up at my door and see what happened? Wow! First you'd show up and  see what would happen...," he mused, thoughtfully and unbelievablely. "Now I'm really impressed at how well your plan worked out, Captain Kirk, you tactical genius, you. Aaaand that all this," he swept his hand around and then to Jim and to himself, "actually happened. I cain't hardly believe it," he drawled, his eyes wide with fake awe.

Jim looked into the mirthful, warm hazel eyes of the man he loved so much. He was so giddy with happiness it was scary. He nibbled at the plush bottom lip and smiled into the kiss. "Well, besides the brilliant plan, there was always the famous Jim Kirk charm to fall back on if need be. You know I’m really damn good at this wooing shit.” He laughed as Bones rolled his eyes. "And just so you know, my dear doctor, we have four more days before we have to go back to the ship and we're going to make the most of them, and by the time I'm done with all the wooing, Dr. McCoy, you will be well and truly wooed and totally unable to get unwooed because you’ll already be used to this new reality."

Bones smiled, dimples prominent, then suddenly looked stricken. "Jim! I sent in my resignation!"

Jim smirked. "Oh. Well, that's also something we need to thank Spock and Uhura for. Seems that for some reason your resignation didn't get sent out, only your request for medical leave. Something went wrong with the data packet….Spock said Uhura has no idea how it could've happened."

McCoy shook his head, bemused. "I'm gonna’ have to get those two a real nice wedding present when the time comes."

He turned back to the stove. "Come on, darlin' let's eat, and then I want to show you around this place."

The next few days passed all too quickly. They made love on all possible surfaces in the house, napped, ate, hiked, fished, cooked the fish, and gleefully regressed back to their childhood in the lake, skinny dipping, laughing and shouting as their naked bodies hit the clear, cold, pristine lake water. The evenings were always cool, so Bones would light a fire as they lounged on the sofa talking. Bones lay with his head on Jim's lap reading one of his journals and Jim read one of his beloved classic novels. One of his hands played idly with the dark silky hair on Bones’ head, letting it slide between his fingers. He looked down at the relaxed body in his lap.

"Bones?" Jim asked softly.

"Hmm." Bones glanced up at the handsome face looking down at him. He frowned when he saw Jim's serious face and a worried crease appeared between his brows. Jim placed a gentle finger there and softly smoothed out the wrinkle.

"Why didn't you ever tell me about Khan's blood and all that you went through after I died?"

Jim felt Bones' body tense. He moved his hand and placed it over Bones' heart which was now beating much faster and erratically. He pushed his hand under Bones' shirt and made soothing circles on the warm skin.

"Shhh, it's all right. I'm here, baby, I'm fine, but we need to talk about this, Bones. I know it's hard, but I really want to understand."

Bones sat up, abruptly. Jim grabbed his hand and held it tightly. "Talk to me, Bonsy, I need to know."

Bones nodded, his face grief stricken, remembering. "It was the worst day of my life, seeing you in that body bag." He closed his eyes, face anguished. "I never got to say goodbye, or tell you that I loved you, or how proud I was of you. Suddenly you were just gone and my life stopped. Then that Tribble moved and I knew, I just knew what I was gonna' do. My life wasn't worth shit if you were dead. So I did what I had to do, I fixed it."

"And later after I woke up, and when we were back on the ship, why didn't you tell me about your breakdown, the counseling, the meds? You should have told me, Bones. We could have healed together." Jim's voice was softly reproachful.

"I know, darlin'" he said, hazel eyes filled with remorse. "I guess I was too embarrassed, to let you know how I fell apart without you. What kind of a CMO was I? I was completely compromised; and I didn't want you to see that I was a total wreck. I didn't want to mess up your career either, by telling you about Khan's blood; doing what I did is considered highly unethical as well as illegal by SFM policies and if I was going down for it, then it was just gonna' be me."

"Bones! As if I would've given a shit about SFM policies!" Jim said indignantly, clutching his hand tighter.

"I know, Jimmy, but I cared." He took Jim's head between his hands, looked into those incredible blue eyes and said softly. "I cared. You did so much for all of us, you saved the ship, you saved us all, and I was so proud of you, of your courage, your heroism, that I wasn't gonna' do anything to mess up your career, your Captaincy."

"Bones…Bones....” Jim kissed him softly. "You went through all that on your own. Uhura told me. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, Bones."

"S'all right, darlin', you didn't know. What counts is that you're here now," Bones said, smiling that radiant smile Jim had only ever seen him give to Joanna.

That night, through the uncurtained window, the full harvest moon and starlight cast silvery light and shadows on their naked bodies. They made intense, tender, and deeply passionate love, expressing their profound gratitude that they now had each other, and that even death could not separate them. Then they slept, cozy, warm, and sated, under an old fashioned quilt, entwined around each other. They woke, made love again as they did every morning, showered together, dressed, ate breakfast, and planned the rest of their stay in Montana.

That afternoon, Jim followed Bones to the city, where they returned his rental shuttle. They had a leisurely dinner and walked around hand in hand, enjoying the evening before flying back to the house. On their last afternoon, Jim took them up on the shuttle and they flew over the Crazy Mountains to watch the waning evening light turn into the red, purple and gold sunset.

"So beautiful," Bones murmured, watching the dazzling colors as the sun set behind the mountains; he turned to Jim. "I've always loved this place so much, Jim. I want you to love it too, so it'll always be a special place for us to come to, a place where we can just be Jim and Bones, away from work, away from the outside world, and away from the Admiralty."

Jim leaned in to give him a soft kiss, nibbling gently at the full bottom lip. "I already love it. It's a beautiful place. Being here with you has been just about perfect. It helped me heal after almost losing you. I want you to know that these five days here have been the happiest days of my life."

"Mine too, Jimmy, mine too."

"We're going to have many more of them, Bones. You'll see, we're going to be so happy!"

The next morning they packed their duffels, washed all the linens, remade the bed, cleaned the house, and put the trash and all perishables in the recycler. Jim and Bones walked out of the house, and then Jim waited while Bones checked the perimeter and turned on the security shield for the house. They stood and looked back at the house and walked slowly to the shuttle. They settled into the shuttle, and then Jim lifted the little ship up and flew a 360 over the area so they could get one last look down at the house where they had found so much happiness. Then they headed for home.

* * *

1 "Sports Night: TV episode: "Napoleon's Battle Plan" Season I, Episode 22, on You Tube


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